i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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