Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
