The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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