there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
