Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
