you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
