you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
