The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
