my phone needs a breathalizer
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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