I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
