she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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