break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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