I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
