the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
