Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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