So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
