I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
