True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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