Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
