The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
