In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
