I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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