Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
