I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
