I want to stick my p in your. b.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
