someone threw a dead crab at me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
