we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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