Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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