This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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