Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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