he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
