: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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