SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
