She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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