NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
