wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
