he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
