My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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