My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
