Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
