i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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