Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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