If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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