Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You are a genius and a whore.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
