If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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