I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
