you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
