So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
