She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
