Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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