There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
