I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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