I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
