if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize