I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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