I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
