remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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