If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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