that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
